Long Days

Every year, I think to myself that life has to get better. That I can’t be more unhappy, that my home life can’t get more miserable, than it already is. And every single damn time, I am wrong. Things can get worse.

In August, we lost one of our rabbits, Domi, but also our 18 year old beagle, Molly. That was like a suckerpunch, honestly. I’ve lived more years with Molly than without her. She came to us this sad, neglected little two year old beagle who didn’t understand toys, bones or why there were three excited little girls crowding around her; she arrived the day after my 11th birthday, and one of my friends was staying over.

And she came with us, across two states and at least half a dozen moves, if not more. She was a beautiful, wonderful dog and she just… wore out in the end. She had various medical problems but in the end, she was just old.

Plus, my dad is living with us at the moment. He is really hard to live with. Like, he gets really angry and nasty when he can’t find specific things to eat. He doesn’t ask us to buy them or buy them himself, he just expects them to appear. It’s sure as hell not helping my depression. I’m getting worse again.

And my sister moved home from Sydney. Wow, that’s been a shock to the system. On one hand, we are really similar, which causes us to clash but also bond. So similar, I find myself saying things with a similar inflection to my sister and not realise it until I’ve said it. Or I’ll make a gesture that she makes.

On then other hand, we’re different. Very different. She’s lived away from home for five years – two years at boarding school, three years at university – by herself. We’ve both got different experienes, different ‘codes’ of behaviour, and I just feel very hunted and crowded with her home. `

So, yes, August has been hard. And my sister is home indefinitely, my father has no jobs coming up that will take him away from home, so I’m stuck in this horrid environment, making me sick and sadder.

On one hand, I’m so ready to live by myself, by my own rules and have a life after being stuck in an unhappy place for so long. On the other hand, I am so goddamned terrified. I like to plan and outline and prepare myself and every little detail. That’s way harder to do when it’s just me by myself.

And right now I’m tired, angry at my father (it has been a very long night) and waiting for my mother and sister to get home and waiting for my naughty, evil little cat to come home.

Tomorrow’s another day, I guess.

Bitch, bitch, bitch

Oh hai July. How’s it hanging?

It’s been a seriously exhausting few weeks. First, my lecturer at uni was replaced, along with the first assessment’s question, so I had to rewrite my 1500+ words and the new lecturer is super strict about… well, everything, Word count, font choice, formatting… ugh. And I totally blew the damn word count – with my bibliography, it was closer to 2k.  -_- As long as I pass, I’m happy. Thank god for an education system that is designed around the minimum possible requirements.

And it’s officially school holidays here. Which means instead of hearing the neighbours scream between the hours of 5am-9am and 3pm onwards, I get them twenty-four-seven. I know that kids make noise, and I can totally live with normal kid noise. But my neighbours have practically patented spoilt-brat screaming temper tantrums. The eldest and the mother. At all hours of the day and night.  :pissed: My kingdom for one full night of sleep where I’m not woken up by an enormous screaming match from next door.

My father and sister totally frelling screwed up a planned trip to Sydney, as well. Mum and I had a free night in the most amazing hotel, and I was going to get my hair done in time for SMASH 2012. My sister was meant to come home to look after my mother’s old dog, the cats and the rabbits, but despite knowing about our plans for weeks, proceeded to cry over an essay she hadn’t finished – which she’d also known about for weeks – and wanted to stay in Sydney. My father isn’t very patient with… well, anyone, so we couldn’t leave the dog at home with him, so we had to cancel. We lost the free night at the hotel, and I can’t get my hair done until after SMASH now, but at least my sister and father got what they wanted.

I’m still pretty ticked at my sister, honestly. I live in a constant state of being pissed off at my father, so nothing changed there. Things are pretty shitty, though, when you’re getting used to being disappointed by half your family.  :ohdear:

On a lighter note, I did take advantage of the EOFY sales. I finally got a new printer, since it was more expensive to get a new power cord than a whole new unit. It’s an HP multi-function, which is what my old one was. It has the coolest touch-screen control panel, it double-side prints without a separate attachments, and the ink cartridges are so skinny! I’m very easy to please XD I also finally own my own suitcase – a 65cm American Tourister Prismo in pink! I got it for half-price, which makes it even more awesome.

And… that’s what has happened in the last ten days. Mostly suck, but a little bit of win. So far, plans for July involve rewriting another essay, SMASH (the Sydney Anime and Manga Show) on Saturday the 14th, and back to Sydney on the 18th for my erstwhile haircut.

Something to look forward to; that’s always important.

Just a Note

My silence on here has not been intentional. After my surgery, I got an infection, and combined with my abdominal issues that are rapidly worsening (Mum and I are discussing going up to the hospital; the iPad, netbook and my phone are all being charged as I sit here), so the silence will probably continue for awhile longer.

I am very very sorry for this, and will respond to all emails and comments as soon as I’m feeling better.